Getting through your late babies due date

When you have gone through the loss of your baby during pregnancy there are many milestone dates that you must get through. One of those is what would have been the due date of your child.

When you find out you are pregnant one of the first things the doctor gives you is an estimated due date for your bundle of joy. Any medical appointments you have thereafter you will always be asked what is your due date? When you share your pregnancy news with family, friends, colleagues etc. one of the first questions you get asked is what is your due date? When you sign up for baby apps, or free products for when the baby is born you are always asked for your due date. There is so much focus on this due date and it is definitely a date you will not forget.

Throughout your pregnancy as you get closer and closer to the due date you cannot wait to meet your baby. You wonder to yourself what will they be like, will it be a boy or a girl, what will they look like among many other things. You do everything you can in order to prepare for this baby. Although you may feel nervous, ultimately this due date brings you excitement and joy.

When you go through a loss of your child before this due date it no longer becomes a day of joy and excitement. It becomes another day that you must get through without your child. It becomes a reminder of when they should have been born, or if some years have passed how old they should have been now.

I can tell you 7 years out from my 1st lost, and 1 year out from my second loss my babies due dates are still days that I remember and are very difficult for me. Every year I think about how old they would have been, what they would be like today, how much I miss them and wish they were here with us. It often feels very lonely as my husband and I are usually the only ones who remember this day; that is the case for most men and women who have lost their baby.

Here are some tips and suggestions I have for how to get through this difficult time.

Journaling

Journaling is such a powerful tool when it comes to grief. I cannot stress this enough. The first time I ever tried journaling is after going through my second loss. It is not something that I ever really did before. When I first started I was surprised at how the words just came flowing out. I did not really even need to think, everything just came out.

When you journal I find that your true feelings really do come out. No one else is reading the entry except for you which often leads to you being able to be 100% honest with yourself about how you are feeling. This is so incredibly important when you are grieving the loss of your baby.

As the due date is approaching try writing about how you are feeling. Be totally honest with yourself. Maybe think about writing a letter to your baby and tell them what you are thinking about. Or write about how you imagine them now (especially if one or more years have passed). You can write about what they look like to you, what you imagine they would be doing, or anything else that comes to mind. Doing this will help to keep their memory alive and will help you to create a happy image in your mind of what your child would be like.

As the due date approaches you may find that you want to journal more often than usual. This will be very helpful and will really allow you to navigate through your emotions, and to express how you are feeling.

There is so much to be said about journaling, ways to do it, and the many benefits. I will be writing a future blog post just on journaling.

Avoid Social Media

This is a very important one. Social media is often a place where people post about all the amazing things that are happening in their lives. Pregnancy announcements, pregnancy progress, new babies, fun things people are doing, and photos of their children among many other things.

When you are in a good place this can be a wonderful way to connect with family and friends and share the joys in your lives. When you are greiving the loss of your baby especially as a milestone date is coming up like the babies due date it can be incredibly hard to look at all the amazing things going on in others lives.

Something that can be particularly difficult is if someone was pregnant at the same time as you were and has their baby. Although you are very happy for them, it can be extremely difficult and painful to see pictures of their child. It will be a constant reminder for you every single year of what your baby would be like. This is one of the hardest things for me. As my babies due date approaches it tends to be even harder.

Avoiding social media all together around the time of the due date can help you to avoid seeing triggers that can often make you feel worse than you already do. It also allows you to disconnect and really focus on yourself, your family and what you all need during this challenging time. It gives you an opportunity to tune out the outside world and give yourself the time, attention, and care that you need.

Have someone else check your mail

This may sound like an odd one but it is very important. When you are expecting a baby you often sign up for programs that may send you samples of baby formula, diapers, and many other newborn things when your baby is born. Even when you shop at some of the maternity stores they take your due date information to send you some free items for you and baby when they are born. When you go through the loss of your baby during your pregnancy the last thing you remember is all those different things you signed up for.

Fast forward to your due date and you start receiving all of these things in the mail saying “congratulations on your new baby”, or you get samples for your newborn. This can make you feel absolutely awful and is another reminder of what you have lost, making you upset all over again. This personally happened to me and I remember just balling my eyes out everytime one of them would show up in the mail box right around my son's due date. I totally forgot about these things I signed up for and was not at all expecting anything.

To avoid going through this all together, have someone else check your mail for the month that your babies due date falls in. Have them go through it first and take anything out that may be upsetting. It's something small but can really help out a lot.

Counselling Support

Speaking to a counsellor as your babies due date is approaching can be very helpful. It is an objective third party who is not part of your family or social circle that will not be emotionally involved in the situation. It is a safe space where you can freely speak your mind and express how you are feeling. Speaking to a counsellor is a great way to receive support and to help you with some coping strategies you may need to get through this challenging time. You may also be going through other things as a result of your loss including depression or postpartum depression, anxiety, PTSD, or other things that may require support and treatment with a psychologist.

There is often a stigma associated with seeking mental health supports from a counsellor which is so unfortunate. This is honestly one of the best things you can do to help yourself through this. You never feel bad for going to a doctor when you have a physical ailment, and it should be the same when you are dealing with mental health.

Check out our resources section of the website for some pregnancy and infant loss supports that you can access.

Honour your baby in a special way

This one is very special and can be done in so many different ways. It can also become a tradition you look forward to doing every year on your babies due date. This can help to alleviate some of the difficulty this day will inevitably bring.

Here are some ideas of things you can do:

Light a candle in honour of your baby every year on their due date. This is a beautiful way to shine their light in your home and honour their memory. You could get a specific memorial candle made for your baby that you only light on special days such as their due date.

Buy something special for your child every year and put it away. It could be anything from an outfit in the size they would be wearing at this time, or a toy or special item that you think they would have loved to have at this specific age. You could have a special chest where you store all of these items you purchase each year, and can go back and look at them anytime.

You could write a letter to your child every year and store it away. You can share what's going on in your life, what you imagine they are like, how you are feeling, absolutely anything. Every year you can look back on previous letters.

Look at special mementoes you may have of your baby each year on their due date. This could include any photos you may have, baby books, foot prints or handprints, clothing, absolutely anything.

Celebrate your baby by having a cake or special treat in their honour every year

Go to a special place each year on that day where you can honour your baby.

Visit their resting place (if applicable)

These are just a few ideas but there are so many things you can do.

Allow yourself space

Expect that this will be a challenging time for you and allow yourself the space you need. Allow yourself the space to feel how you need to feel. To cry, to reminisce, to laugh, to be angry. Whatever it is you need to feel. Know that however you are feeling is ok.

You may find you need to take some time for yourself. That could mean indulging in some self care like mediation or getting a massage, taking some time off of work, taking some time away from social or family events, or even taking a break from your daily routine. Just allowing yourself the time and space you need as the due date approaches to work through how you feel. When the day comes you may find you feel better than expected, or you may feel worse than expected and that is ok.

It is so important that you take care of yourself during this challenging time. Make sure to use family and friends as a support system when possible as well.

I hope this blog post has provided you with some ideas for how you can help yourself to get their your babies due date.