Getting Through the Holidays After Pregnancy and Infant Loss

The holidays are meant to be a time of joy, cheer, and time spent with family. As soon as Remembrance day is over everything seems to switch straight to Christmas and just like that the holiday season is in full swing. Everyone is expected to be so excited to get the tree up, to buy Christmas gifts, or to watch the latest Hallmark Christmas movies. There is the pressure of attending all of those Christmas parties and social events (maybe not this year with covid, but during a regular year). You are expected to socialize with family and friends and be happy. Almost as if you should forget what happened and move on because after all everything during Christmas should be just perfect and magical.

Sadly, for parents who have gone through pregnancy and infant loss this time of year can feel anything but perfect, magical, and joyful. It can feel heartbreaking, sad, daunting, or just too much to handle. You may have just lost your baby recently, or it could have been a while ago. Regardless of when it occurred you are missing your baby. You are sad that they are not here with you and your family to share in this joyous occasion.

You may be surrounded by very supportive family and friends who can help you through this difficult time which is wonderful. Or, you may be one of the many who unfortunately have families and friends that just don’t get it.

So what do you do?? How do you get through the Christmas holidays?

Here are some ideas for how you can get through this difficult time:

Making your Baby a Part of your Christmas Tradition

When you have lost a baby one of the things many parents struggle with is finding ways to keep your babies memory alive, as well as finding ways to include them in your family memories and traditions. One helpful thing you can do during the holiday season is to include your baby in your holiday traditions, or even make a new holiday tradition in honour of your baby.

If part of your holiday tradition is to put up a Christmas tree, have an ornament made (or make your own ornament) in honour of your baby. This will be something that is hung on your tree every year along with all your other family ornaments. Your baby will forever be part of your Christmas tree. Whenever you are missing them during the holidays you can look at your memorial ornament and know that they are with you. You will be reminded that they will always be part of your family.

Another great idea is to put up a memorial tree. This can be a small special tree that you put up in honour of your baby and also any other loved ones you may have lost. You can put on special ornaments, items that remind you of your baby or anything you would like. You can also add new items to this tree every year. This can be your babies own special tree and a very special way to remember and honour them every single year.

Saying NO (or yes)

As previously mentioned, during a regular non covid Christmas season there are an endless amount of holiday get togethers. Work parties, family parties, and get togethers with friends. Every single weekend from December 1st seems to be filled with holiday events. Places where you are expected to go and put on a smile. Expected to socialize with everyone and be festive and cheery. This is particularly challenging when you have gone through a pregnancy or infant loss and you are just not feeling cheery and festive. When you don't want to answer questions from family, coworkers or friends about when you are going to try again. Or to hear things like “everything happens for a reason” or “you are young” or “at least you have another child”. Or to be faced with people who are “uncomfortable” around you and just don't know what to say. People who think your somber mood is just killing their vibe and bringing everything down. The thought of having to go through this for a parent who has lost their baby is just daunting.

So what can you do??

Know that it is ok to say NO to holiday invitations. If you know it is something you cannot handle or just don't want to deal with, know that it is ok to say no. Even if it's an annual family event that you always attend. It's ok to say no. You know what you can and cannot handle and what you may not want to handle. No one can truly understand how you are feeling other than you. The most important thing for you to do is to take care of yourself. If attending these events is going to make you feel anxious, upset, or sad then it's not worth it. Take care of you first mama (or daddy).

On the other hand, you may be a person who gets joy from going to these events. A person who finds that socializing helps you to feel better. If you have lost your baby and this is you, know that it is ok to say yes. It is ok to celebrate if you feel like it. It is ok to feel joy and cheer at the same time you are feeling sad and heartbroken. So say yes to that event invitation. Go and have a good time. And know that this too is ok. You just need to feel how you need to feel and do what is going to make you feel happy.

Be Honest with Family

Be honest with your family and let them know exactly how you are feeling. You may not know how you are going to feel come Christmas day or the days leading up. Share that with them. If they have certain traditions or expectations of you during Christmas let them know you may not be up for it. If there is something you feel you need, something that may help you, or something you do not want, let them know. Often times our family and friends want to be supportive and helpful but they just don't know what to do or say. They don't know what you need. This is why it is very important for us to let them know how we are feeling and how they can support us.

Give yourself permission to change family traditions

Life before you lost your baby was likely very different. When you go through such a heartbreaking loss it changes who you are as a person and potentially the things you value or what is important to you. Family holiday traditions that you had prior to losing your baby may have been wonderful and worked great for your family at the time. Since losing your baby you may find that these traditions do not work for you or your family any more. You may find that they don't fit with what you and your family need now. Know that this is ok. Give yourself the permission to change your traditions and create new ones that include honouring your baby. For example if a previous family tradition was to have a huge dinner with extended family and you are finding that it is just too much, then change it. Maybe create a new tradition where you have a special dinner with your own family.

You could also create a completely new tradition which could include visiting somewhere special that reminds you of your baby. Somewhere that you and your family can make new special memories every year that can include your baby.

Take some time for yourself

The holidays are a busy and stressful time as it is. Coping with the loss of a baby makes it even harder. During this time it is important that you take some time for yourself. Do something to take care of you. Participating in self care is so incredibly important when you are grieving. Doing something relaxing like getting a soothing massage, taking a warm bath, taking a nap, or going for a peaceful walk can be very helpful. These activities can help to reduce stress and alleviate feelings of sadness and anxiety.

The holidays tend to be all about family time which can be great but you also need your me time. If you have other children have your spouse stay with them or ask a family member to watch them while you do something for yourself.

Allow yourself to feel how you need to feel

This is a very important one. Grief can be a rollercoaster of feelings. One minute you are fine and the next you are balling your eyes out. This is all ok. Allow yourself that time you need to cry. Allow yourself to laugh and smile. Allow yourself to feel how you need to feel in the moment. How you are feeling in any given moment may not make sense but just know that it's what you need to feel in that very moment.

Contribute to charity in your loved ones name

This can be a very special one. Donating in honour of your baby can really help you through your grieving process. It can help you to feel that your babies short life has touched another life. That because of them you are able to help someone else.

This is why I started this Comfort Kit Fundraiser. I wanted to help parents who were going through loss to feel supported and less alone while also honouring my baby and keeping his memory alive. It means the world to me to know that because of him so many others are going to be helped and supported!

Donating during the holiday season when you are feeling down can be very helpful with getting you through this difficult time.

So regardless of how you are feeling this holiday season following the loss of your baby, know that you are not alone. The things discussed above are only a few suggestions for how you can get through the difficult holiday season. At the end of the day only you will know what you need and what is best for you.

If you feel like you need additional support Pail Network is a great resource you can contact for peer counseling support, support groups, as well as numerous other things. Reaching out to a counsellor may also be helpful during this time.

Wishing you a gentle holiday season. No matter what, know your baby is with you everyday, each step of the way.

Alia Natt

Comfort Kit Fundraiser Founder