Happy 2nd Birthday to Our Baby Boy

Our precious little boy should be two today. I imagine he would be up bright and early and we would have balloons and decorations ready to celebrate his special day. He probably wouldn't understand it's his birthday but he would definitely be excited.

I imagine we would do something special as a family for the day to celebrate our little guy. There would be lots of laughs and smiles. I can only imagine what his sweet little smile would look like.

There would be lots of eating cake, candy and ice cream all day.

It would be a happy day for us all. Our baby would be growing up into a fierse little toddler!

It is heartbreaking every single day to not have our baby boy here with us. His birthday is a really tough day and a reminder of how he should be growing up with us.

Instead of a day of complete joy, it is a really difficult day for our family. Unfortunately the day of our son's birth was also the day of his passing. It was the one and only day that we got to spend with him outside of the womb. It is a day that I will cherish and will never ever forget for the rest of my life.

Getting through a birthday and anniversary of a passing is really hard, no matter how long has passed.

We decided that although we know it will always be a sad day for us, we want to take the opportunity to celebrate and honour our baby boy just as if he were here. We want to take the opportunity to celebrate him and remember that he is always with us and part of our family no matter where he is.

Our family has started a tradition every year on our baby boys birthday where we go to a local conservation area for the day and have a picnic. We bring along lots of food and drinks and just have lunch together surrounded by the beauty of nature. We play games and go for hikes together. There is a beautiful little lake as well where we go out on a paddle boat together and just enjoy the gorgeous scenery. It is very peaceful. I personally feel most connected to our boy when we are out in nature. I like to think that he is with us out there and that I feel his presence. This is why we have chosen to do this activity every year to honour our son.

Following our beautiful day in nature we come home and cut a cake. The last two years we have ordered a yummy ice cream cake. I imagine he would love an ice cream cake! We get “Happy Birthday Cole” written on the cake and put in a candle that his brother and sister can blow out.

As hard as it is to celebrate on such a difficult day we feel that it is important for our family. We want our children to know that their brother is loved and celebrated whether he is with us or not. We want them to know that he will always be part of our family. We want them to know that it is ok to feel happy and sad at the same time.

This has been their first experience with greif and it is important for us to let them know that we can talk about it openly. That they can share their true feelings. That although we have been through tragic loss, the love and memories will always be there.

Tonight we will light a candle for our baby boy. I will also write a letter to him like I do every year. This brings me a sense of comfort and helps me to feel connected to my boy. It allows me to imagine him, what he would look like, and the things he would be doing with each passing year.

I also plan to look at the mementos we have from the hospital. His tiny footprints, the little blanket he was wrapped in, and the photos.

At the hospital we were asked if we wanted photos done of our baby. I am so thankful that in such a moment of distress that I was able to say yes. I remember they took some pictures of me holding him and then took him away to do some photos of him on his own. Up until this point I have not been able to bring myself to look at the photos. I have been so curious but just haven't felt strong enough to look at them. Im hoping that today will be the day where I can. However if I still feel like I cannot, I know that is ok. I am incredibly grateful that I have these photos to look at when I am ready. If there is one piece of advise I could give to a family going through pregnancy or infant loss it would be to get the pictures. You may not want them in the moment but years down the road you will cherish them. Right now all I have are the images in my head and the memory of the short time we were together. Knowing that I have those pictures that capture those special moments is everything to me.

So today I give myself permission to feel how I need to feel. I may laugh, I may cry…a lot…and I may make some beautiful memories with my family as we celebrate our baby boy. I know this is all ok. I need to be open to feeling how I need to feel. Grief is not linear and really comes in waves. I have come to realise that it is something that you will feel with for the rest of your life following loss. There are really good days, and there are really bad days. I have come to learn that this is ok. There is no timeline. So if you are someone who is also greiving my advice is to be gentle with yourself. Ask for help when you need it.

This year has been particularly tough for our family because we also lost our first baby…our fur baby Roo. He was everything to us and was a huge source of comfort and support through many challenges in our life. After losing Cole, he brought us so much comfort by just cuddling and being here. The greif has been hard with his passing as well. The one thing that brings me comfort though, especially today, is that Roo and our baby boy are together. That they are celebrating the day together. And I know Roo is taking care of him just like he took care of us for 11 years. I know they are having a special party up there and that they will be with us today all day as we celebrate and honour Cole.

Losing my baby boy is the reason why I started this fundraiser. The feeling of leaving that hospital without your baby and feeling empty, alone, lost, and heartbroken is the worst thing I have ever been through. Although nothing can take away the pain, I wanted to find a way to provide some comfort to families who are going through loss. To let them know they are supported and not alone.

When I think about all of the lives we have been able to touch with this fundraiser, it brings me great joy to know that this is because of my little boy. Because of his short time on earth we have been able to help so many families. He has left behind a legacy that will continue and he has touched so many lives. All because of him. This gives me the strength and courage to continue on. I truly believe that no footprint is to small to have a big impact on this world. Our baby boy is an example of this. At just two years old, wherever he is, he has accomplished so much.

I love you Cole forever and ever.

Happy 2nd Birthday my angel.

❤️Mommy