Happy 3rd Birthday to our angel Cole

I cannot believe it has been 3 years since we met and lost our baby boy all in the same day. It truly feels like yesterday that I held him in my arms for the very first and very last time.

Although three years have passed the images of what he looked like remain fresh in my mind. I remember what it felt like to hold his tiny little hands and rub his tiny little toes. I remember holding him for hours and hours in the hospital and just cuddling with him. I remember being mesmerized by how beautiful and perfect he was. Before he was born I remember the nurses asking if I wanted to hold him and see him. I felt unsure and afraid at the time. But the moment he was born and they asked again I knew I had to. To this day I am grateful I made that decision.

Although our time together was short, I am grateful for the time I had him in my arms. I even got to fall asleep with him on my chest just like I did with his brother and sister. As heartbreaking as these memories are, they are also very special and ones that I will cherish forever.

Everyone handles grief and loss in their own way, especially when it comes to milestones like birthdays . Our family has decided that we want to continue to honour and celebrate our baby boy every year on his birthday. We treat the day as if he were here. Our kids remember when their baby brothers birthday is and get excited and continue to remind us that we have to get a cake and balloons. With their excitement also comes many questions about why Cole is no longer with us, what happened to him, and general sadness about wishing he were here. As hard as it is we are happy that our kids talk about him and we are happy to answer the questions. We always want them to know that it is ok to feel happy or sad or angry. We want them to know that it is ok to talk about grief and loss. In North America grief and loss are often not talked about enough. It is often something that is intially talked about and then after a few weeks just pushed away. We encourage open and honest dialogue within our family and talking about their baby brother is encouraged. We always want our kids to know that even though we cannot physically see Cole, he is always with us and will always be part of our family.

So today we will sing happy birthday, cut Cole's cake and send up some balloons for him in heaven. The kids will be so excited to do this. We will smile and laugh and cry all at the same time. And that is all ok.

Despite the celebrations today, I cannot help but wonder what Cole would be like at three years old. What would he look like? What would he sound like? What would he be interested in? How would he interact with his siblings? Those are questions that I will always have but will never have the answers to. I think many people around us think that we have “gotten over” the loss of our baby. We don't always talk about it much with others, but it continues to hurt our family so much. My husband and I often say that we feel like there is something missing from our family. Our family doesn't feel complete. Often when we see our two kids playing together we say to each other there should be a third one here. When we have experiences together and see them laughing and enjoying themselves, we are often thinking there should be a third here. We should have a 3 year old who would be having the time of his life too. Seeing families with three kids similar to what our family should have been continues to be a reminder of the way things were supposed to be. Although we may not always express it, I think that this will always be the way that we feel. The days may be easier to get through now, but the pain sure is still there. The longing for our boy to be with us, to have the complete family we were supposed to have. Sometimes feelings of anger come over us when we think about our baby not being here.

Although it has become easier to talk about Cole and celebrate him, there are still things that I cannot bring myself to do. One of them being looking at his photos. When we were in the hospital with Cole the nurses asked if we wanted photos of him done. This was something I knew I definitely wanted. I remember holding the tears back and trying my hardest to smile for my baby boy as the nurses took pictures of me holding him. I remember them taking him away to do some special pictures of him on his own. I have a disc with all of the photos, but still to this day I have not looked at them. I am so curious to know what they look like. It has just been hard for me to bring myself to look at them. I know one day I will be ready and I am grateful that when that day comes I will have lots of special pictures to look and remember my baby with. If I could give other parents going through the same thing one piece of advice it would be to get the pictures. You may not look at them right away but just knowing you have them means everything. There will come a day where you will want to look back on photos and knowing you have them means everything. I have heard stories from other parents who were afraid to get a photo of their baby, and then years down the road it was the biggest regret.

Our hospital, Credit Valley Hospital in Mississauga Ontario Canada was truly amazing with supporting us through the loss of Cole. During delivery and post delivery they were kind and compassionate. They treated Cole like any other baby who was born alive. That meant a lot to us. They did put together a little package of mementos which we will cherish forever. The hardest part though was walking out of that hospital without our baby. I remember having to say bye to him in the basinet for the last time and walk out and leave him there. I cannot explain how much that hurt and continues to hurt. I wanted to just pick him up and take him with me.

The days, weeks and months following Coles loss were really hard. Based on the way I was feeling I knew I needed to get help. Since I work in the social work field I think I was able to recognize what I needed. Also, working in the field helped me to know how to advocate for myself and find the resources and supports I needed. Still, I dealt with wait lists and limited availability. I remember thinking if I was not someone who knew how to navigate the mental health support system, how would I ever get help? Losing a baby feels extremely lonely. Not only have you gone through a heartbreaking loss, but you have also just given birth. Your body continues to do all of the same things it would if your baby were alive. Your milk comes in, your body doesn't look the same, you are healing physically, your hormones are all over the place, and on top of that you are dealing with grief and the trauma of your baby dying. I continue to feel that there truly is not enough support out there for moms and especially dads who have lost a baby. If you don't ask for help, you aren't going to find it. And this is truly so sad. So many people suffer in silence and it comes out in many different ways as time goes on.

This was one big reason why I started this fundraiser. I wanted parents to leave the hospital knowing that they are not alone and that they are supported. Our comfort kits provide families with many items that are meant to comfort and support them during the days, weeks, months and years following loss. We also include resources in our kits so parents know where they can get help. Every year we continue to do a big raffle and donate a large amount of comfort kits to the Credit Valley Hospital. We have heard from them that these kits have become an important part of their care program. We have also heard from families who have received our kits and have reached out to thank us and support us further. Many families have also reached out via our website or social media platforms following the loss of their baby and we have been able to send out items to them as well.

This whole fundraiser and all of this support we provide has happened because of our Cole. He is the reason we started this. They say that no footprint is too small to have an impact on this world. Nothing could be more true. Although Cole's life was so short, he continues to have a huge impact on this world. He continues to touch the lives of many families out there who have also lost their baby. It is because of him that so many families receive much needed comfort and support through our fundraiser. Through our comfort kit fundraiser we are able to help and support many families while keeping our sons memory and legacy alive. Nothing could mean more to us. We want to thank each and everyone of you who continues to support us, our family, our fundraiser, and who continue to honour our baby Cole. Thank you from the bottom of our heart.

Happy 3rd Birthday Cole!! We love you so very much. We are going to have a special celebration for you today, and I am sure you will be having one I'm heaven today too with your fur brother Roo. We are so happy that you both have each other up there. Hugs and kisses from all of us.

Xoxo

Cole's Mama